Most people are not trained to ask for what they want in life. It’s actually frowned upon, especially for girls, to say confidently that you want something from someone.
And that’s exactly what gets us into trouble most of the time with our partners and everyone else in our lives. We dance around what we want from people because we don’t want to come off as rude, imposing, bitchy, or controlling.
So we make passive aggressive comments to each other, hoping that will do the trick and make them stop doing the thing they’re doing, or start doing what we want them to do.
But I’m going to stop talking theoretically and give you an example now of what I mean. Here’s a situation where a partner does something that the other partner doesn’t like…
The Flirting Boyfriend
A woman gets upset with her boyfriend because he is flirting with another woman right across the room from her. She makes a snide comment about it to her boyfriend later and then goes quiet. What she WANTS is for him to say he’s sorry, that he was wrong, and that he’ll never do it again. But instead, he tells her that he wasn’t flirting, there’s not a problem and that she’s being immature and jealous.
While it’s easy to think to yourself, ‘That guy is a dick and she should get outta there,’ that’s the kind of black and white thinking that makes people break up unnecessarily all the time.
While his response was unsavory, so was her approach to bringing it up.
You can’t really expect a person to validate you, apologize, and commit to different behavior in the future when you’re threatening your connection with them by being aggressive and noncommunicative. It’s not how humans work, really.
There is another way to express your hurt to someone and ask for what you need—a way that most of us were never taught as kids.
The Solution
The tool I use for this kind of conflict is called DEARMAN. It’s a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which I absolutely love. I use this often in my own marriage and I teach it to my clients regularly. You will see me use this in other blog posts going forward, too, because it’s just that important.
We can use DEARMAN to tell our partners our thoughts about a situation, how they’re impacting us, what we want from them, and why it’s important for both of us. It uses clear language that helps people resolve their issues and connect, instead of brushing them under the rug and disconnecting.
Here’s the gist of DEARMAN.
How to Use DEARMAN
You mostly need to focus on the DEAR. So with the flirting boyfriend situation, here’s how it would go.
Describe
Hey, so I noticed that you spent a lot of time with Anne tonight and you were standing pretty close to her, touching her at times, and smiling and laughing, and to me it looked flirty.
(Notice there was nothing accusatory in there - only the facts of what she observed with her own senses.)
Express
When I saw you with her I felt jealous and threatened. I also felt a little embarrassed that my boyfriend was talking and laughing so close to another woman for most of the night in front of our friends.
(Notice those are extremely vulnerable emotions to admit to having. This is very different than just telling them how wrong they are: it’s letting them know the impact they’re having on you. Notice also that she didn’t say, “I felt disrespected,” because that is not actually an emotion - it’s an interpretation and it’s accusatory. Make sure the words you’re using are emotion words that describe you.)
Assert
Can we discuss what each of our boundaries are with how we act with other women and men?
(This also could have been a very specific ask like, “Could you please not touch other women?” if that’s truly your boundary. Notice that it was not vague like, “Please don’t flirt with other women,” because everyone’s definition is a little different.)
Reinforce
When I feel jealous, I don’t feel secure in our relationship, and I really want us to feel loving and connected so we can be happy together. When I feel insecure, I shut down, and I don’t want you to experience that sullen, grumpy part of me. I also want us to be respectful of each other, so I think laying out these boundaries would make that super clear for both of us.
(Notice there was no apology or shame for feeling jealous, and there was no threat in there like, “If you flirt with other women I’m going to leave,” because that in itself would cause more disconnection in the relationship, which is exactly what she said she doesn’t want.)
Be Mindful
She didn’t bring up any other grievance she had, and she didn’t even bring in her own history to the conversation, such as, “You know I’ve been cheated on before and when that happened he would flirt with girls, etc., etc.” Just try to make it as concise and easy for them to wrap their head around as possible.
Appear Confident
She also didn’t say things like, “I know this might sound bitchy, but…” or, “I know I should probably just suck it up and not care about stuff like this,” because that shows you’re not even sure about how you feel, which is confusing for the other person. Her voice should be calm and grounded. If he tries to tell her she is wrong, she can say that what she’s describing is what she experienced.
Negotiate
Since the ask here is simply to have a conversation about boundaries, he might say something like, “I’m willing to have that conversation, but not now.” And then she could say, “No problem - how about tomorrow after dinner?” The main point is that you get what you need for the sake of the relationship, and compromise if necessary.
You can basically apply DEARMAN to most conflicts you have with most people. Conflict comes from not getting what you want or need, so this tool is extremely useful, no matter what.
I created a guide called the No-Fight Script that uses DEARMAN to help people have tough conversations. When you subscribe to my weekly newsletter, you get a link to the 8-page guide right away. Just click on the button below to subscribe and get the guide.
I hope you use this with someone you love, and I hope it helps you resolve a conflict instead of brushing it away.
If you want help with this, I do provide therapy for people in Texas remotely as a counseling intern. We can work together on this and other communication issues if you’re in Texas.
Neely
